My Dad is dying

What a terrible day, I woke up to a phone call that my dad had been taken to the local hospital emergency room. He was in cardiac arrest. When I got there, he had tubes down his nose and throat, helping him breathe. They almost lost him at the hospital then. They transported him to a larger hospital, kept the tubes in.

He was half awake, kept pulling at the tubes and crying. His eyes wouldn't blink and his eyes are very glassy. I asked him to nod if he wanted the tubes out, he said yes. I knew he had a living will and had expressed quite firmly he did not want to be hooked up to tubes and kept alive.

The doctors had a conference, my sister and I had to decide what to do, what a horrrible thing to have to decide if you want your dad to live on the tubes or die if the tubes are taken out. I asked the doctor to stop the drugs to where he would be more lucid and she was able to talk to him and ask him if he wanted the tubes out. He said yes, he wanted them out and no more medicine.

So they took them out, he was awake and talking kept saying he didn't feel good, then his stomach started paining him really bad and they gave him some medicine, then he went to sleep. My husband and I went home for a little bit and my sister called and said they had put him in a small room, off by itself. That he became kind of violent, pulling at his clothes and yelling, out of his head. He didn't know her. So they are going to keep him sedated on morphine till the end.

I know I said to myself that he was just getting worse, maybe it would be better for him to just go to sleep and not wake up. And now he is doing just that, and I feel so guilty, telling the doctors about his living will and his not wanting to live anymore. But my sister agreed with me, that this is what he wanted, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. His doctor this past week had told him not to do any exercise, not to play pool or even walk around anymore than he had to. So after that, he kept saying I guess I am lot worse than I thought I was. So he knew in his heart he didn't have much time left. So please keep usin your prayers.